How I was able to get away with hoarding Glamour's big 60th anniversary issue for almost a decade is beyond me. I suppose my sisters had no use for it either. I warn you that some pics are blurry, and my scanner is broken.
Let's start with the cover:
This was back when Heidi Klum was still a bit of an anonymous model. She still had yet to hit it big with her Sport Illustrated Cover, but her moment was coming up. She's looking pretty bland here, but pretty. I kind of like her dress. It's like a pink version of Keri Russell's Golden Globe dress that year Keri won. Beaded hippie stuff was all the rage back then. Is it a crime that I like that shade of purple and magenta together?
Ooh a DKNY underwear pull-out ad! Looking very Calvin Klein-like. With Kristy Hume... looking very Kate Moss-like. Typical women's magazine soft core/ laying around topless-in-undies stuff. I'm totally still jealous of her abs and defined stomach. I just realized Kristy is actually prettier than I thought she was. I havent's seen her around much anymore. I wonder what happened?
Lots of ads, a Revlon Hair ad, with a model that looks like Gillian Anderson. A Tommy Hilfiger Rolling Stones ad (when wearing Tommy H was way cool). A cover girl ad with Niki Taylor (remember those? I swear Niki was in every CG ad from 1993 to 2000).
Pg. 52 "Letter to the Editor"-
"L.H" from Wichita Falls is pissed with writer Jessica Shaw:
"How dare Jessica Shaw write that women such as Jennifer Lopez, Elisabeth Shue and Drew Barrymore look as if they've been 'hitting the donuts'? The jaws of most guys I know would drop to see Elisabeth Shue in a bikini, but would probably look the other way if it were Ally McBeal."
Ouch. Burn. I love how extremely 1999 the references are (i.e. Ally McBeal, Elisabeth Shrue, btw, if there were any justice in Hollywood, Elisabeth Shue should still have a career right now, methinks).
Pg. 50 "Cyber Sob Stories"
Lot's of generic shit that was obviously made-up:
Brotherly Love
"I secretly signed up for a cyber matchmaking service, and my brother was the first datable guy to contact me! Our names were masked, but thankfully he revealed his first. I was blown away, but I didn't let on who I was. In fact, I sent him harmless e-mail messaged for a little so as not to hurt his feelings. Finally, I said I was involved with someone else. He still doesn't know it was me"- Susan, 29
How weird is that? Ick. How V.C. Andrews of you Susan. But kind of sweet. But still... kind of ick.
Pg. 74 "Self Health"
Talks about those new fangled anti-bacterial gels on the market. The Dr. claims soap and water is even better. Yawn. Tips on how to avoid blisters for sandal season amid, the new stockingless craze. The secret: spray anitperspirant your entire foot up to your ankle for five days before you go out stockingless with sandals (so you too, can be like those stockingless Sex and the City girls). "Without moisture, no friction occurs between your foot and your shoe, so blisters can't form". Spritz once a day from then on.
Not even going to mention how high maintence that is.
Pg. 82 "Sex Ethics"
"Same Sex: Does it make you a lesbian?" Big long answer. In short, only if you're interested solely in women, it says.
The quick question poll asks "Have you ever been obsessed with a man?"
Creepiest answer goes to:
"When I knew my ex was out, my friend and I snuck through his back door, which he always left open. I stole his pillowcase and sprayed it with his cologne so I could have a memento of him"- Katie, 24
Future "I will. Not. Be. Igored!" case. If Katie is real, than I imagine in my head that she looks a lot like this:
Pg. 84 has the essentials for spring '99: Get your tank dresses, cargo pants, and capris out!
I'm convinced that if Gwyneth Paltrow ever left Chris Martin, and got together with Benicio Del Torro, their daughter would look like this:
Pg. 108 "Who's Making you FAT?"
The "Culprits" according to Glamour:
*The Mom Who Stuffs you Silly- They're advice? "Eatting slowly, getting a doggie bag, and making a big show of taking food home for later consumption". How pro-ana of them.
*The "I Still Fit into My Size 2 Wedding Dress!" Mom- They're advice, in a nutshell: tell the bitch to back off. Once again, they could've saved a lot of ink and trees.
*The Bond-Through Eating Buddy- Ha Ha! This is so the situation in my family, and something I've always done myself. No one eats alone.
*The Man Who Woos You With Wontons- Why is this a problem? Weirdos.
*The Chowhound Colleague- Same as the eating bonding buddy section, just recycled. I weep for the trees and inkwells everywhere.
Pg. 118, The Star Report
"Drama Teens" talks about all the new teen movies out right now. "Dairy Queens"- With Kirsten Dunst and Denise Richards (I don't think I've heard of it since); Cruel Intentions, American Pie,Jawbreaker; Pre-fame Alba with Devon Sawa (another "what happened/where are they now?) in Idle Hands, A Ten Things I Hate About You mention *sniff*
Pg. 120 Gossip in Glitterland
*Courtney Love probably whispering something dirty in Drew Barrymore's ear
* Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling with their hands clasped together (you know they're frenimies).
* Rupert Everrett probably whispering something awesomely catty in brunette, geisha "Nothing Really Matters"-era Madonna.
*Ben Afflect whispering in Gwyneth's bony ear.
*Veronica Webb and Naomi Campbell hanging out
* a pic of Ben Bratt when he was dating Julia Roberts
* pre-herpes (?) Derek Jeter whispering sweet nothings into Mariah's (who looks hot btw) ear.
*A cute pic of teenage, boobless, brunette Scarlet Johansson locked in arms with teenage, tiny, Jena Malone. Both are wearing strappy evening-type dresses that they adorably can't fill out yet. I wonder if they're still friends?
An ad for Max Factor's "Diva Collection" with Marilyn Monroe. I don't remember anyone protesting this ala Audrey Hepburn's Gap ad.
And WTF? with the "legendary lavender" lipstick? And the "bombshell blue" and "starlet stain" green nail polish? Marilyn didn't wear any of that. Especially not lavender lipstick. bleh
Pg. 124 Star Whipped
Pics of celeb couples before or after they hooked up.
*Luke Wilson looking uncomfortable to be with Drew Barrymore. Apparently she went from grunge to glam when she was with him. You know, I once read a blind item-ish tidbit about Drew years ago, wherein it claimed she liked to have a the odd lesbian one night stand on the side during her relationship to a famous boyfriend. Which ultimately was a deal-breaker for the unnamed-but-famous boyfriend. I bet you anything it was Luke Wilson. He totally looks stuffy and grumpy in all his pics when he and Drew were together.
* Christina Applegate looks Grace Kelly-ish with a blonde updo, grey sheath dress, strappy heels and diamond drop earrings, with Jonathon Schaech looking hot next to her. Totes a goodlooking couple, those two were.
* Brooke Shields and Andre Agassi look mismatched, Andre was a shorts and a t-shirt guy before they met (he also, like Luke Wilson, looks uncomfortable to be there with his lady).
*Uma Thurman apparently cleaned up Ethan Hawke during their time together. One can take the man out of the sleaze, but you can't take the sleaze out of the man, Uma later will find out.
*Heather Graham went from glam to "grunge" with Ed Burns. This chick has dated everyone.
Pg. 128 Hair Days
"Are You Locked Into an Old Hair Look?"
Includes a chart to see if you are:
Consider Yourself Locked If:
*Your bangs are short, blunt cut, or curled under
*You're blow drying the layers around your face forward with hairspray and a brush
*You use more than two heated hair appliances every morning (who the hell does that?)
*Your still stuck on skinny striped highlights (as opposed to huge skunk highlights of course), or your hair color is inspired by either wine or vegtables (I actually agree with that one).
*You're still getting spiral or wavy perms ('cuz were about to find out stick straight hair, glued on your head hair, is where it's at for spring '99)
I actually still think those beaded hair things are still cool:
Remember when Dior used to have badass ads like these? They always involved a really cool hat, a statement necklace or choker, and a shit load of make-up. I seem to remember a different Dior ad in a '98 Vogue issue, with the same componets listed as above, but a "proper, ladylike" version, with a pearl choker, with tons of pearls stacked up and draped around an ornate white lacey hat, shot against a white background. The model wore brownish looking lipstick that was so popular back then. This one looks like the evil twin version of that ad, same pose and all:
Pg. 170 "Are You A Lucy or an Ethel"?
I took the quiz; I'm disapointed to report I was an Ethel then, and I'm an Ethel now.
Pg. 198 Glamour Asks, Men Answer:
Slime City: "What's the Worst Thing You Ever Did to A Woman?"
The douchebag award goes to:
"When I was planning a trip to Florida with a couple of buddies, I realized that this woman I had slept with in the college lived there. She and I had had the most amazing sexual chemistry. My girlfriend's birthday fell in the middle of the week that I was going away-but instead of canceling, I apologized profusely and told her I'd make it up to her. Then I went to Florida and slept with my ex. But I made sure to call my girlfriend on her birthday."- Eric 29
Pg. 212 6 Secrets of Great Morning Sex
None of this advice helps the woman out in these situations, in fact, all of the "tips" are about pleasing him. Once again, think of the ink wells, and the tree's that are dying for this crap every month
Pg. 216 60 Years Strong
Features a young Martha Stewart. She was hot. Diane Sawyer too.
Pg. 218 60 Years of Topflight Tips: Glamour's Best Advice Over the Years
The Best one? :
"Please stop asking him what he thinks of you"- July 1968
Pg. 226 "No More Bare Naked Boy Booties"
Some woman complaining about seeing too much man frontage and backage in the media; sent over the edge by seeing Ewan McGregor's ween in Velvet Goldmine. Woman is crazy. Kind of reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine explains "good naked" and "bad naked" to Jerry. George: "But don't some women like that?" Elaine: "Yeah, sickies"
Kristy Hume in another DKNY Jeans ad:
Editorial: Go Pink About It! (with the most effeminate guy I have ever seen)
Seriously, I know he's a male model and all, but what were they thinking casting him as "the husband" in this little fashion editorial story? He's def not butch enough.
Is anyone else getting "hitler youth breeding/training camp" vibe from this?
More pink, sinewy, blonde frolicking on the left:
Pg.282 24 Hour Woman
I'd much rather lead this fake editorial life.
The model is so Connelly/Belucci esque-pretty:
Her fella is hot:
This is the way motherhood should be:
holding a babe on the hip, while cooking, and wearing a priceless black Dolce & Gabbana dress. And never getting a spot on it.Pg. 290 60 On Up Women Give You Their Self-Esteem Secrets
"I heard it said somewhere that after age 25, it's personality that matters".- Yeesh, glad I'm not living in 1942. I'd almost be a dried-up spinster at 21.
This article includes lot's of advice that you know, but like most advice, just won't follow.
Pg. 304 Spring Hair Trend-Zero VolumeS
Remember all of this? The glued-to-your head trend?
I love double entendres:
Pg. 306 Utitlities Included
Remember that whole ulitililtarian trend? Remember when Gucci tried to pawn off a super expensive black leather fanny pack?
What's that orange thing, a pregnancy costume?:
Do's and Don'ts: (holy bad blurry picture alert):
It claims:
Don't wear hot pink when trying to look professional. Pink hair, pink parkas, pink legwarmers and pink fur will only get you into trouble -Whatever, way to put yourself in a box. So what if I want to wear pink leg warmers or pink fur?
FINALLY!
The End
Hope you enjoyed that trip down memory lane. I don't think I miss 1999. In some ways, but not really.
